I know who killed me! It was Donny for asking me to go and watch Lindsay Lohan’s latest. I will admit to being a huge Lindsay Lohan fan ("Just My Luck" opening weekend, baby!), but not even a girl crush on LiLo can overcome the fact that the movie is an incoherent mess.

Lindsay plays Aubrey Fleming, a college-age gal, so passionate about writing that she neglects both her boyfriend and her piano lessons. Her sexuality must be channeled in some form, so we assume maybe it’s that pole dancing that opened the movie. And there are some lusty glances at the gardener/pool boy type, who shows up for two scenes. Then sadly, since Aubrey is kidnapped, we never see that guy again. Also, missing after the first act is Aubrey herself. When she wakes up in the hospital, she claims to be Dakota Moss.

Dakota is the opposite of Aubrey, and we (as do the police, though not as thoughtfully) wonder if perhaps this Dakota is the byproduct of pent-up sexual repression combined with post traumatic stress disorder. After all, Aubrey/Dakota is now missing half a leg and half an arm. Her parents are there to offer support. Mom even goes so far as to endure a lengthy scene of scrubbing the kitchen while her daughter has loud sex upstairs. The problem with all of these scenes though is that this is Dakota. As she insists, she’s not Aubrey! So that girl we sort of got to know in the first act is gone. And by sort of I mean that as a complaint against the jumbled editing of the first act.

I kind of doubt there’s any sort of philosophy that’s meant to compliment the blood, sex and gore. Really, this movie seems like an excuse to capitalize on Lindsay’s sexpot media image. Once Lindsay seemed happy to be a girl next door type; a kind of down to earth every-gal. Unfortunately, Lindsay has been transforming herself on screen into the type of girl next door you’d find on the E! TV show of the same name. Between this and "Georgia Rule," it’s obvious that film directors (and perhaps Lindsay herself) don’t quite know how to harness her raw sexuality. The so-called stripper scenes are done in such pretentious slow-moed glory that it’s hardly sexual. It’s more like that glamour shop at the mall that allows women to get photographed with a feather boa and a fuzzy lens.

As for the actual story of "I Know who Killed Me," it seems obvious that the internet has made today’s Hollywood writer lazy. Dakota/Aubrey literally types in a few key words into Ask Jeeves and Bam! We have a plot! A plot that has been used in plenty of horror films before, but prior to consulting the internet, there’s no evidence that the plot works in this movie. As for the special effects, cinematography, sound quality and even the production design, they’re all quite amateurish. Throughout the film, blue is used to indicate Aubrey and red to indicate Dakota. But if Aubrey only wore blue and now Dakota has inherited her closet, where exactly did all those red cleavage enhancing clothes come from?? The sequence where Lindsay utters the titular line is just laughable and amateurish.

Earlier this week, Lindsay famously fell off the wagon and got charged with another DUI and cocaine possession. Consequently, she cancelled all of her press to promote this movie. It makes me sad. I really wanted to hear her try to talk positively about a movie this crappy.