SIGH-Fi

There are few bad movies that are as entertaining as a SciFi original picture. Ice Spiders is no different. Utah’s Lost Mountain is home to a quaint ski lodge and a military base where spiders are genetically mutated to be thousands of times bigger than normal spiders. Theses spiders came to be when the fossilized remain of an ancient arachnid was unearthed in Afghanistan. The DNA from this fossil was spliced into spiders to manufacture their silk to make affordable super-lightweight bullet proof vests for soldiers. Think Jurassic Park without the interesting story, exceptional CGI, and Jeff Goldblum. The spiders inexplicably escape and wreak havoc on the unsuspecting ski lodge. It’s up to Dash Dashiell (Patrick Muldoon), an ex-Olympic contender whose injury has left him washed up and teaching lessons to vacationers, to save the day.

There are so many bad things to say about this movie. The acting was atrocious. The script was laughably bad. The spiders looked terrible. I really don’t think I can review this film in great detail. I can’t apply the knowledge that I have of what makes a good film to this movie because I honestly believe that the filmmakers had no idea themselves. This review will be fairly short by consequence.

Despite all of this, it was at least entertaining (unlike the last bad movie I was given to review). I like to think that any movie put out by the SciFi channel is intentionally horrible. I can’t imagine anybody reading that script and thinking it was good enough to get the green light, no matter what channel it was going to be shown on. Of course, all you need to look at are these endless strings of parody films to know that I am completely wrong. Budget isn’t a good excuse either, seeing as how many low-budget horror films have managed to be genuinely creepy. Regardless, I’m just glad to see Patrick (Jeff from Saved by the Bell) getting work. Too bad it had to be in such a crappy movie. Oh well. That’s what he gets for breaking up Zack and Kelly! Home-wrecker!