While watching “The Hitcher”, a remake of the infamous 1986 horror classic of the same name, you just might find yourself saying villain John Ryder’s nefarious catchphrase: “I Want To Die.” This is mainly because the film is an exact replica of the original but with additions that drag it into copious amounts of shit. If you’re going to see “The Hitcher (2007)”, let someone else take shotgun. You’ll be fine sleeping this one off in the backseat.

The film opens flaccidly enough on a college campus with blaring pop-punk music that no one cared about two years ago. As opposed to the original film where protagonist Jim Halsey is on a lone road trip, we found Jim (Zachary Knighton) picking up his girlfriend (Sophia Bush) from campus in celebration of Spring Break. Party, huh guys? Well, the fun balloons are soon popped when our two love birds pick up John Ryder (Sean Bean), a weathered and ominous hitchhiker trying claiming he needs to get back home. Just like the original, he quickly makes known his violent intentions and is thrown out of the car in a scene that is almost as surprisingly tense as the original’s. Assuming all’s well, our couple keeps heading north until they realize they are stuck in a deadly game of cat and mouse with Mr. Ryder, who will obvious stop at nothing until they are either dead, or begging to be.

So far, it doesn’t sound to bad right? Well, aside from the pop-punk, yeah it’s not. But here’s my problem: I can’t fucking stand Sophia Bush in this movie. I’m not a misogynist, but I couldn’t tell you a single female that I know who would keep her cool in a situation like this movie presents. I’m so tired of the “tough bitch” characters in horror movies. Once in a while, they’ll be used perfectly (Angela Bettis in “May” or Bahar Soomekh in “Saw III”) but a little college girl in a mini-skirt? She’d be raped and murdered quicker than she would after two Zimas at a frat house. Her character gets progressively more annoying throughout the film and finally culminates into a painful aneurism of cliché dialogue when she steals a cop’s gun and utters: “I’m tired of running.” After that scene I found myself “tired of watching.”

Knighton’s acting is on par with the better of the cast, but Sean Bean’s portrayal of John Ryder steals the show. He gives the character just as much menace and mystery as Rutger Hauer did in the original. Bean really shows that he has what it takes when it comes to portraying a horror villain and I would definitely pay to see him to do it again.
I also award bonus points for keeping the violence factor alive. There is gore-a-plenty and it’s all well done. You may be surprised to see how many people die in this movie (major or minor). And thank god, the family in the station wagon still meets a grisly demise (including their little children) but this film goes the extra mile and makes them a devout Christian family. Now that’s how you add on to a remake, people!

Bottom-line though; if you’re going to see “The Hitcher”, make sure it’s the original. Unless you’re a fan of Sean Bean and want to witness his portrayal as Ryder (which I will personally vouch for as the only redeeming quality of the film) you’ll find everything this version has in the original film, but with more of a self-aware charm to it. The only place you should pick up this “Hitcher” is on the rental shelf.

The Hidden Message: Don't pick up hitchhikers. Unless they have female parts. Then it's okay.