This will not be a traditional review, sorry, instead it's a stream of conscious thoughts through the picture.

HOLY HAMFISTED KITTY CAT. I'm pretty sure this opening credit song is an indian curse that quietly rips your soul from your body. Note to the movie: starting out like this makes me hate you and where ever you came from. Crappily drawn barely passable animated zombie chicks and a driving scene with this FUCKING SONG THAT MAKES ME SURE THERE IS NO JESUS CHRIST playing in the background earns no brownie points with me so far. Not that you're trying, I'm sure.

Okay. Cool, you've let go the grasp you had on my soul by ending the song. Good move, Zombies Gone Wild dvd. Now you have a chance at -

Wait, WHAT THE HELL, dvd?! Now you're showing me a lonely boy thinking to himself on a railing over looking a city road? You're that goddamn lazy you half to intro the characters with descriptions via this assholes thoughts? ARRRRGH. arrgh. fuck.

Oh. Awesome. Next scene is a dude taking a shit. But he's farting way too much to be actually shitting. What an awesome joke you're making, Zombies Gone Wild. Now a mother is nagging a nerdy dude. We know he's nerdy because his blue plaid shirt is tucked into his khakis! Excellent. He won't fit in with his emo bad joke co-stars at all.

I think I'm already zoning out the dialog at this point.

Wait for it.

Yup. Some farting jackass is playing ARMY in the living room. Yup, he's all in camo. The dog is wearing sunglasses. Oh, crap. The farting jackass is the nerdy dudes dad. The zooms are causing more motion sickness than BLAIR WITCH and the screens only 6 inches in both directions.

NOTE TO FILMMAKERS: DON'T MAKE THAT FUNNY HOMELESS DUDE YOUR DP.

Now they're talking about how mom showed him what a stinkhole was on his little brother. It's pretty obvious at this point that they're fine actors by the way they're forgetting lines and such.

Okay, if I keep up this streaming style o' writing through the whole movie, I'll be here all night. It's fucking eight minutes in right now. Fuck. It's movies like this that really piss me off. I could be watching ROBOCOP again.

I absolutely love no budget movies, and this is as no budget as it gets. Trust me. This is also a no funny movie, as well. This is fucking terrible. If this movie was shown to terrorists, they'd turn into peace loving hippies if only it was promised they'd never have to watch this movie again.

So now, at 11m:52s, a black character is having a discussion with a nutty 2nd black character. The problem here? One of them is in fucking black face, which is only made more obvious by his pale white hands. The dude can't figure out an accent to use, so he tries 'em all on for size. This makes infants down the street cry.

13 minutes into this so far 13 minute suck fest and the characters are all meeting up, getting together in their party van for the trip to...'Mtv' which last I heard wasn't a goddamn location. Only they all start vommiting and farting for no reason. This ends when the mayor of Radical Town reminds them that they have 'girls to do!'. On the trip they can't help but talk about poon tang and anal leakage. In fact, the sound is so bad here that you can't make out the story...just the occasional LET'S BE GROSS/UNFUNNY word!


At this point I'm skimming through the movie. It's now 20 minutes later, and the only thing that has happened is more vomiting and more pants shitting. In between that they've made it to some town, where they're now scoring viagra.

They're still shitting their pants.

45 minutes in. Finally, they've stopped vomiting and shitting long enough to speak stupid spanish to some lace wearing broads hanging out at a lake. Oh. Shit, they think the girls are German. They're close, seeing as the girls are deaf.

I can't take this anymore. My role as a human being with emotions and a soul far outweigh my role as a reviewer, sworn to give every movie I view a full chance by watching the whole thing.

I can't do it. I'm skimming again.

Apparently there's some zombie chick with telepathic powers and a super deep voice telling her minions to kill our main dudes. The make up effects on her rival JIF peanut butter stuck to your face. Crunchy.

Looks like the guys made it til morning, only to get into a cage match with some zombies as soon as light breaks. Randy gives in to the head zombie chick and joins her, as the other two guys try to get him to come with him...he's under the spell. They throw dirt at the zombies, now teamed up with fatty zombies and a KKK zombie and make it to their pimp van and haul ass out as if they were in a theater watching their own movie.


After skimming through the whole movie, I feel that my review is fair and accurate. I don't mean to be overtly harsh in the critique, but it's only a point to get it across that this is the worse movie I've ever seen. Big budget, no budget, low budget...doesn't matter. This is the bottom of the barrel. Need further proof?

The movie doesn't have an ending. During the final fight scene the actors get into a small uproar out of character and end up quitting.

SPOILER:

The KKK guy is black under his hood. Fucking hilarious.


After watching this I'm pretty sure I could whole heartedly enjoy a marathon of movies featuring DATE MOVIE, EPIC MOVIE, and MEET THE SPARTANS then wash it down with any given TYLER PERRY movie. I will probably leave thinking how much I loved each movie simply because they weren't ZOMBIES GONE WILD.

If you haven't read between the lines yet, I hate this movie. It's god awful, and I want to send the person that gave it to me some human poop. This movie makes me want to go watch my infant son sleep while I cry realizing this is the world he has to grow up in. A world where Zombies Gone Wild exists.

I want to give it less than a 0.5 star rating, but I can't, the drop down menu won't let me. However, if I was able to give it any rating I wanted, I'd give it 48 Richard Gere's.

Please, don't watch it. Don't even watch it out of curiosity. It's like that fucking RING video. My phone is about to ring and some creepy voice will give me seven days to live.

And I'll be okay with that.