It seems only natural that a drug warlord would want to stop an ongoing attack on his operation by utilizing vampires*. It would also make sense that if one of the opposition happened to die in conflict that they would be turned into a cyborg warrior. A cyborg warrior intent on destroying the drug cartel vampires. We've all seen this before, right? If you answered yes, then perhaps you haven't seen a film that includes a subplot involving the never-ending love between a ghost woman and the "vampire beast".

What the hell is this? Why, this is the stuff that classic cinema is made of… OK, maybe not so much. What we really have here is another attempt at taking two totally different movies and combining them into one sloppy mess. The offspring bastard child of two films that couldn’t survive on their own. One featuring vampires and a cyborg. Another with a group of mercenaries/agents trying to save some of their comrades.

Directed under the ever watchful eye of Joe Livingstone (who also helmed the fantastic "Devil's Dynamite"), Robo Vampire is a train wreck. Forget “Plan 9...” and “Manos,…” for a moment. This is the genius concoction of RoboCop and a poor Chinese vampire-fu film. Add in plenty of lame action sequences and fireworks or good measure. The suit for our shiny hero must be seen to be believed. Also, I’m not entirely sure if the actor inside the suit could even see out of the “helmet”.

The storyline, if you want to call it that, moves at a snails pace but doesn't use that time to create any kind of tension or development. The characters are one dimensional cliché write offs. I highly doubt a script was ever present. The lines were probably on cue cards off camera (written mere minutes before the call of action).

But let's be honest... who cares about any of that? All that stuff about vampires, cyborgs and ghosts. THAT is the reason we are here. In that department this movie still doesn't quite deliver. Our hero (aptly named "Robo Warrior") is only seen in a fifth of the movie. The vampires get more screen time than him. Most of the time we are (unfortunately) treated to the human characters that work to save other characters that we don‘t care about. Storylines are dropped as soon as they start. Some develop so fast you can miss them entirely. For fans of Z grade bologna this movie is a real treat. I had to take a nap half way through. Awesome.

The best part of the film is bearing witness to the highly technical process of making a cyborg. All it takes is a table, a welding device that looks like a really pretty sparkler, some spray painted mannequin parts and a device that would clear a lot of room in hospitals...

The -/+ box.

"What is that?" you might ask. It’s a monitor that has a large plus and minus sign that flash the proper signal indicating the patient's status. A minus sign?! Oh no! The patient hasn't survived the mannequin grafting.


*-Not just any vampires but the Chinese "hopping" variety!

The Release: The available DVD release from Brentwood on their "Eastern Horror" collection is as bare bones as the rest. No trailers, no extras. The basic menu contains only play and chapters (which are broken apart in large chunks). Visually the video looks like an old VHS that has seen better days with faded colors and some bleeding. The audio comes in a basic stereo English dub. The sound isn't exceptional but does the job you would expect.

In Conclusion: The acting, directing, lighting, choreography, sets... all of it is bad. This film has no saving grace except that it is so horrendous that I have to recommend it. Rent it… at your own risk.